It’s 1:15 AM.
After another excruciating episode, I find myself in the ongoing battle with my health, now in its 7th month, this round, following 2 years of varying treatments.
The pain is intense, yet in the darkness, my husband gently supports me, lifting me up and shifting the growth off my pelvic bone and sciatic nerve with a slow waltz around our lounge. We’ve been sleeping in our lazy-boys for nearly 5 months now – bed sux (if you know, you know).
High performers often read stories of overcoming and transformation. But what about navigating the thick of hardship?
Here I am – exhausted, weak, and battling through cycles of treatment, surgery, and recovery. My physical state deeply affects my psychological well-being, and I am leaning heavily on whānau. They’re my support, grounding me when my focus on our kaupapa nearly overwhelms me.
The truth is, this journey is tough.
It’s filled with tears and fears over each diagnosis and treatment decision. Yet, it’s the support of those around me that brings light in the darkest hours, helping my mind stay strong which, in turn, aids my body, just a bit, in recovery.
To those navigating similar paths: it’s okay to share when it’s shit, to be real about the struggle. We’re often told to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes, acknowledging the darkness can help others light it for us.
I’m here, in the middle, feeling every bit of it and finding strength in honesty and community.
I am currently behind on all communicae, slowly chipping away at emails only for thirty more to arrive. I’m prioritising urgent tasks and still delivering on major projects for various portfolio. Anything new, or not yet made it to my priority list takes a hit, and I am forced to learn the art of ‘letting go,’ both for the moment and for good. I’d love to write a book on this one lesson alone – a highly emotional journey when you’re passionate, highly motivated, experienced, skilled, and understand the interconnectedness of our shared kaupapa.
Engari, what a great time to help craft succession. And so, I spend a lot of time in online hui, doing just that, building succession and letting go.
We also have a mortgage to pay, and those lump sum payments don’t pause just because our bodies do. Earning while sick is another book entirely. I need to earn to pay for the assets we have, so we can cycle funds back into kaupapa. That’s the model we’re working with. So yes, my usual koha to kaupapa is not featuring in this stage of my health management, and that is another part of the emotional journey that I must navigate – it goes against my nature, and that’s hard.
Not looking for pity, just understanding. I am a firm believer in sharing the truth of our journey because it fosters genuine connection and empowers others to embrace their own struggles with honesty and resilience.
I will find my way through, so we can focus on our businesses, our shared kaupapa, our tomorrow – but right now, it just sux 💯